While the terms top, bottom and switch were created by and for gay men, they are becoming more frequently used amongst LGBTQ+ women and non-binary people. They can be pretty confusing, because they can refer to someone’s sexual preferences, level of dominance, role in their relationships, or all of the above. Show Whichever you identify with, or even if you don’t identify with any of these terms, there’s someone out there for you. So whether you prefer tops, bottoms, or have no preference at all- use HER to connect with queer women who are exactly what you’re looking for. Your person could be closer than you think. LGBTQ+ women: What’s a top?A top in a lesbian relationship is generally the one who is more dominant, and prefers giving to receiving sexual pleasure. As with all sexuality, tops fall on a spectrum. Some tops will be happy to receive some of the time, but prefer giving. Some tops don’t want to receive at all. Two people who choose to call themselves tops might not work well together in bed- simply because both people will wanna give all the time! People often assume that tops are the more masculine and more confident partners- but this is just a stereotype! There are diesel dykes who are hard bottoms, high femmes that are hard tops, and ‘futch’ women at both ends. The best way to tell if someone is a top is just to ask them.  LGBTQ+ women: What’s a bottom?As you might expect, a bottom is essentially the opposite of a top. A bottom in lesbian dating is often called a ‘pillow princess’. Bottoms tend to be more submissive and prefer to receive sexual pleasure than to give it. As with tops, most bottoms are happy to top occasionally, it’s just their preference to receive. But there are some lesbian bottoms who only want to receive, and never want to give – also called ‘hard bottoms’. Part of the reason for the phrase ‘pillow princess’ is because of the assumption that hard bottoms are usually the more feminine partner- but again, this is just a stereotype, and being a masc or stud pillow princess is pretty common too. It’s worth mentioning that, although it’s way more common within the men-loving-men community, sometimes ‘bottom-shaming’ can be a thing, where folks interpret top and bottom as a hierarchy, viewing bottoms to be passive or weak. This is absolute BS- these are labels not titles, and being a bottom sexually in no way means you’re not equally as likely to be an assertive, confident character outside of the bedroom! Remember: tops can’t exist without bottoms! What’s a switch?A switch is the equivalent to a ‘vers’ for gay men. Switches are generally happy to give or receive pleasure, depending on their partner or their mood. Most LGBTQ+ women fall into this category: some are bottom-leaning, some prefer topping, but all are happy to swing either way. Switches can be in relationships with tops, bottoms or other switches based on their preferences. Sexual compatibility is based on lots of different factors, so two women both being switches doesn’t always mean they will be compatible. It’s a spectrum, and there are no rules. Just talk to your partner about what you prefer, what they prefer, and what works for you both. Whether it’s a hookup or a long-term relationship, sex is always better when you know what one another like. How do you know which category you fall into?These terms fall on a spectrum, so it’s perfectly okay not to fit neatly into one of these boxes, a lot of people don’t use these terms at all!. Most people gradually learn where they fall on the spectrum from experimenting with partners, with porn, with toys, and exploring what gets them most aroused. Don’t go into it thinking you ‘should’ be one or the other. Be open to the options and have fun experimenting! Whether you’ve tried queer dating, or simply spent any time in the queer community, you’ve probably been asked the dreaded question, “Are you a top or a bottom?” This is a loaded question for many reasons. For one, there is no consensus on what exactly constitutes a Top or a Bottom. Many associate Tops with Doms (dominants), and view Bottoms as Subs (submissives). Some think that the Top is the one “giving” (i.e. penetrating), and the Bottom is the one “receiving” (i.e. being penetrated). Others regard being a Top or Bottom as more of a… lifestyle. This definition is more closely aligned with my own — so in this vein of thinking, a Top is someone who is generally more assertive and domineering, while a Bottom is their more passive and inactive counterpart. So what does that mean for how we define Tops and Bottoms? And what if you identify as a Top in bed, but don’t really feel like you’re assertive or domineering in your everyday life? Well, I have developed a theory called “The Tri-Top Theory” in hopes of clearing up some confusion. Stay with me here. The roles we take on in our relationships are so much more than what we do in bed. Relationships are complicated and multifaceted. They often involve feelings, hard conversations, and romance. This leaves us with three basic roles in relationships: sexual, emotional, and romantic. Let’s go through what each of these roles mean. Sexual Roles Like I said before, there is a lot of controversy over what is considered a Sexual Top or Sexual Bottom. I am part of the crowd that firmly believes that being a Dom or Sub is completely separate from being a Top or Bottom. BDSM roles, at the surface, do not define who is truly in control. I also swear by the notion that sex does not have to include penetration to be considered sex. So, unless otherwise stated, these descriptions can apply to penetrative or non-penetrative sex. Sexual Top: This is the person who is in control in bed and could be the one who more often initiates. A Sexual Top could also be considered the “giver” in bed (which could correlate with stone butch/stone femme identities), or the person who tends to be more active. In cases where penetration is involved, the Sexual Top could be considered the person doing the penetrating, based on the fact that they are literally giving to their partner, but that is not always the case, as the person who is receiving could still be the one who is more in control or more active. Hence, the “giver” is bottoming from the top. Sexual Bottom: This is the person who goes with the flow. They are passive, and happy to receive anything that the Top will give them. Hence, all pillow princesses are Sexual Bottoms, but not all Sexual Bottoms have to be pillow princesses (kind of like the whole square-rectangle rule). In opposition to Sexual Tops, during penetrative sex, the one being penetrated could be considered the Bottom, unless the “receiver” is actually topping from the bottom. Overall, this is the person who tends to let someone else take the reins in bed. Sexual Vers: This person may be on the spectrum between a Top or a Bottom. A Sexual Vers may also be someone who has the ability to be a Top or a Bottom depending on how they’re feeling that day or who’s in bed with them. Emotional Roles This role does not necessarily mean who is more emotional in the relationship. However, emotions do come into play during hard conversations, or anything emotionally charged. We could call these the “Communication Roles” as well. I especially refer to this role when thinking about how my friendships play out as well! Emotional Top: This is the person who, more often than not, initiates the hard conversations. They are clear and assertive about setting boundaries with whomever they need to. An Emotional Top is definitely the type of person who would prefer to have a conversation with someone about why the relationship isn’t working instead of just ghosting them. This could also correlate with being the type of person who more often reaches out to make plans than their counterparts. Emotional Bottom: This is the person who might be too shy, or too anxious, or maybe even too prideful to initiate anything that could be considered emotionally charged. This means that Emotional Bottoms have a hard time setting boundaries with the people around them. Consequently, Emotional Bottoms might have a habit of resorting to passive aggression as a way to express frustration. This person most likely prefers to let relationships fizzle out rather than having that hard conversation. An Emotional Bottom is definitely the person who’s waiting for you to send the first message on Tinder. Emotional Vers: Similar to Sexual Verses, an Emotional Vers can either be someone who falls in between a Top or a Bottom, or they can take on either role depending on the situation or the counterpart. Romantic Roles A person’s Romantic Role could have some correlation with their Emotional Role, given that it’s pretty hard to have romance with no emotions involved. There are some key differences though, which we’ll go through now. Romantic Top: Similar to a Sexual Top, a Romantic Top is the one who’s in control, but of romantic events. This is the person who surprises their partner with gifts, who plans the romantic getaways, who essentially pampers their partner. The Romantic Top would most likely be the person who would propose (assuming that the couple would want to get married). They pick the place, time, and attire — and they will definitely reach for the check before you do. Romantic Bottom: This is the person who loves to be pampered. A Romantic Bottom’s love language is All of the Above. And this role doesn’t need to involve money. This person could just want some sweet good morning texts, or want their partner to give them a massage when they get home — especially if they don’t have to ask for it. Similar to an Emotional Bottom, a Romantic Bottom seldom makes the first move. Romantic Vers: Following the pattern, a Romantic Vers is someone who aligns themself in between a Top or a Bottom, or can take on the role of a Top or a Bottom depending on the circumstances. The Theory When it comes down to the wire, these descriptions don’t contain all the nuances of each role. And honestly, these roles can be up for interpretation. You could self-identify as an Emotional Top even though you don’t fully agree with my definition. You could also identify as a Romantic Bottom now, but maybe a few years down the line, you moreso identify as a Romantic Vers. And contrary to popular belief, a relationship between two people does not always need one Top and one Bottom to work. Granted, there could be a bit more effort needed for certain combinations (namely two Emotional Bottoms), but a relationship isn’t doomed based on our so-called societal rules. Every relationship requires love, respect, and communication. As long as you have those three things, and you’re willing to put in the work, any relationship has the possibility to make it through. Now, I’m not saying that this theory is the new Astrology, or Myers-Briggs, or Love Languages, but… I do strongly believe that taking these roles into account could help all of us understand who we are and how to navigate our relationships — whether those relationships are sexual, romantic, or platonic. What are the traits of a top or bottom?Tops generally like to be the more dominant person during sex, while bottoms follow their lead. Verses generally like to switch between sexual positions of power with their partners.nullWhat It Means to Be a Top, Bottom, or a Verse in Queer Sexwww.businessinsider.com › queer-sex-what-is-a-top-bottom-verse-2021-2null What makes you a top?A "top" is defined as someone who prefers the insertive role, a "bottom" as someone who prefers the receptive role, and "versatile" as someone who has no preferences regarding anal sex role.nullTop/Bottom Sexual Self-labels and Empathizing-Systemizing ... - PubMedpubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov › ...null What is top in gender?Normative language around sexual positioning commonly refers to the insertive partner during anal sex as the “top” and the receptive partner as the “bottom.” While these terms describe anal sex behaviors, there is evidence to suggest that MSM may also associate these terms with gender roles.null“Butch Tops and Femme Bottoms”?: Sexual Roles, Sexual Decision ...www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov › pmc › articles › PMC4140175null |
